Shadows in the light

That's how I feel today - almost literally. It's a lovely day outside today but I'm indoors trying to get myself to study. Doesn't seem to be happening though... *sigh* I have an exam tomorrow at 9am and I don't feel prepared at all. Almost like I know nothing. I hope to high heaven or hell that it's not the case cause I cannot afford to fail this module. I might as well kiss my degree goodbye if I do...

On the brighter side of life, mom called yesterday and it settled my mind on where she stood. For once, I'm freed of my troubles and there is only one thing left before I go home: finishing my exams. It's a given that I'll have to do some exams in the late summer but at least I'll be in a better condition to do so.

Foz was a great help yesterday. I needed the distraction if not I probably would have done something regrettably rash. Sometimes, I really don't know where I'd be without Foz. Probably in a university at home. :P But, enough of the brooding. I need to get to the library to get some past papers. Adios!

Anime Addiction

Finally! I've finally finished MaiHime! *breathes a sigh of relief* My world can continue its original path now. Thanks to Foz, who provides me with my constant supply of anime, I've gotten hold of a new one and basically was driven to finish it despite my upcoming exams. Ok, so I was bad but I managed to finish it in 2 days so at least it's over and now I can focus on revising... hopefully anyway.

Thing is, it's not like I didn't enjoy watching MaiHime (despite the fact that it was totally fanboy anime rather than my usual choice of Shoujo) but I still felt like it wasn't as good as it could have been. There were too many protagonists and it dragged on a little in several parts of the story but in the end, it was quite a satisfying ending. Nonetheless, what really irritated me was the fact that dead people kept on reviving and that MaiChan herself spent most of the later part of the series feeling anguish and retribution. Moreover, how could she actually have chosen that blond Tate over Reito-sama?! That's just unreal! Reito was so much better in looks and personality even though he ended up being the puppet of evil. That was just bad luck.

In certain angles, the drawings could have been better but for most of the part, the characters were drawn fairly gracefully. No comparison to final fantasy of course but what is really... The character which got to me most was the nun. I honestly didn't see a point in her character. She was just annoying with her weak-willed weeping and general daftness. The best Hime was Mikoto cause of the way she manages to manipulate those around her without lifting a finger but then she turned out to be a psycho lesbian. What a disappointment! *sigh* Oh well, all the in all, it was okay. A little more thought into the story line would have improved the whole plot but never mind. Next: Bleach 34!

Speaking of which, I watched Bleach 33 today. Another downright disappointment! That was unquestionably the worst Bleach episode I'd seen so far. I love Bleach and have been totally hooked on it since Foz sent me the first episode but this was just wrong. That stupid wannabe spirit magician was driving me crazy with his "bwuahahahaha"s! I miss Ichigo and Rukia! Bring them back!!! I can't take anymore of this Karakuga Red, Pink, Gold, etc. stuff! Help!

Hit from behind

Why is it that my past always has to come back and bite me in the ass? Especially after I think that I've made peace with it as well. *sigh* What a pain! Maybe I just need a sign on my forehead saying: Hello World! I'm trying to move on here! So attractive... maybe not. :P

I spoke to a friend the other day about it and it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who gets bitten in the ass by the past. At least there's someone else suffering with me... :D I know, it's an evil thing to wish grievance on others but seriously, this is just something that needs to be shared. Like that one time when we were at a BBQ and the salad was terrible. I kept quiet after taking a bite while Sam was screaming to high heaven about how awful it was. *makes a face* The whole point of me keeping quiet was so that everyone else could try the salad and thus allow me to judge their reactions. Sam just had to ruin everything. LOL It was funny though. Many of those in my japanese friendship group are leaving this year. I shall miss them immensely for they were practically a home away from home for me. Aya was one such. We still keep in touch despite the fact that she's such a failure at it. *grins* She's so lazy with replying emails! Nevertheless, these were the people who gave me a sanctuary when I needed it, cheered me on and kept me grounded when I lost my way. I owe them much for that. Furthermore, like Kaoru, I'm definitely going to miss the dinner parties, the gossip and the bbqs - both those at Kaoru's and at Yoshi's. ;) I love you all, keep in touch guys!

Everything I wanted... And then some

Yesterday was a very strange day with lots of mixed emotions. It's only saving grace was seeing the porcupine again. We were extremely flirtatious with each other but the banter, the chat, it was all very comforting. He was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits. One day, I'd like to return the favor of being a comforting presence for him as he was for me when I needed it.

I realize today that by picking up the phone, everything I wanted seven days ago was ripe for the taking. However, I also found that I no longer wanted the same things as before and that what I had previously desired would have hurt me more and took me longer to heal. It was a painful learning process but I believe my Gods had their own reasons for such. He came crawling back with a million apologies and even more promises but the fact is, none of it matters anymore. I am at peace with my mistake. In the end, I came through with a clearer mind, gained a priceless friend and lost a piece of naivety I never knew I had. Such is life at it's best...

Intruded sanctuary

I had an exam this morning and didn't do it. I got up, went there, looked at the paper and left an hour and a half later. I couldn't do it. There was nothing on the paper which I understood except for one question. Even while I was working on that question my mind was elsewhere... thinking about things which I really shouldn't have been. Why won't he leave me alone? He's already betrayed me in all possible ways. What more does he want to achieve by haunting my memories? At this point, I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that they were happy memories or the fact that I can't stop thinking about it. To be honest, the most important question I should be asking myself is: why can't I let it go? I thought I had but if that were the case, it wouldn't be an issue to me anymore. It bothers me that my sanctuary at Richmond was invaded on Saturday. I was very angry when Mo mentioned it on me. It isn't my house and I don't have rights to tell anyone to leave but truthfully, I'm not sure I can stop myself.

It has been a long time since I felt this angry. I've never been a violent person but just thinking about it scares me so I keep myself busy. Yesterday, instead of studying, I went to bother Amin and T. Amin is extremely adorable. He has the enthusiasm of a kid for everything. We went to Tenkaichi for dinner and T and I made him try sashimi. It was fun. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. His face turned green when he saw the octopus. T was horrible. He made it worse by pointing out where the tentacles were, etc. I was highly entertained though. :D

If only we could pick the memories we wanted to keep and forget everything else... Almost like the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I told T once that I don't hold grudges; what I didn't tell him was that I forget people instead. With time, they all disappear to mean nothing. I have found that being forgotten by someone who once cared hurts more than being hated. At least with hatred or anger there is a reaction. Being forgotten means you simply don't exist to them anymore. My Gods approve for they understand that negative feelings are a waste of time, effort and energy.

Coveting Empty Dreams

This morning, I woke up and my world seemed a lot clearer. Yesterday, I received a mental equivalent to a slap in the face and as much as I dislike the man who did it, I must admit that I was glad it happened. T is right. Everything happens for a reason and that was my wake up call. My Gods did what needed to be done so today I've made the decision to focus on the important stuff, then get out of here and go home.

Yesterday, my world was falling apart around me. There was a confrontation with my mom which left me lost somewhere. Then a message spurred my anger and disbelief. After the emotions ran their course, I analyzed myself and felt nothing. He is simply forgotten... a deleted chapter in an edited book. T was worried about meeting them in town today but I told him that we are from the city and we are a civilized people. In the end, we didn't run into them as small as Cardiff is but had we done so, I would have smiled and walked away. City folk are quite unfriendly aren't they. :P

Lost in Confusion

There's been too many things going on my life in the last couple of weeks. I have had too many ups and downs to be able to cope properly. Sometimes, I swear the Gods are having a laugh at me cause this always seems to happen to me during my exam period. It isn't funny anymore. In fact, come to think about it, I haven't been able to find a single element of humor in it... ever. Maybe my Gods will take a hint and let me off. I'm too close to the edge and breaking down now would just not be a good idea.

Lately, I've been feeling lost and empty. There's no longer even an appetite for food anymore. Now that, is scary. I never lose my appetite even when I'm sick. My friends have been very sweet and caring and as much as I wish it was enough, it isn't anymore. They've pulled me through before but I don't know if they can pull me through this one. It seems that I've fallen into a deeper hole than the norm. I would consider depending upon my current boyfriend but he doesn't seem to be able to understand. Perhaps I'll wake up tomorrow and find out that everything's gone back to normal. Perhaps I won't make it there...

Professional Procrastinator II

Ok, so mom was right. It's way too easy to become addicted to procrastinating. It's been over a week and I've still done nothing. The revision remains and the options forms are not filled in. Come to think about it, I'm in big trouble with a capital T. Oh dear... That's not good!!!