Reluctant to go home

Reason? It's a man. It's always a man isn't it? When is it not? *sigh* I wish sometimes life could be a little less complicated. Then again, I admit that once it does, I get bored. Definitely a no win situation. My headache this time? I'm going home tomorrow night. My parents think I'm staying. In fact, they're ecstatic with the fact that I'm going back. My mom called me specifically to check that I'm definitely going back this morning. Woke me up and all.

My boyfriend thinks I'll be back in a few months. Yep, it's been a while but the "forever single" plan didn't work out quite so well. We've been practically living together for the last three weeks and when he left yesterday, I felt like I lost something important. Well, I lost my Ralph sunglasses but this seemed a little bigger. :p What's strange is that we've known each other for a while but it's taken us until after graduation to get together. Sometimes I think my Gods are having a laugh. They always seem to give me what I ask for but every now and again, it comes at the most inappropriate of times. Oh well, can't have your cake and eat it all the time. I can only hope that things will sort itself out. Too tired to try and figure what the future holds anymore. I am happy with what the Gods have seen fit to give me. It has only been less than 36 hours but sweet Goddess, I miss him already.

T and I had an amazing night tonight. We started with a forty minute river cruise. I was so proud when he didn't faint, throw up or just generally die on me. *grins* And then there was the flight on the London eye after. That was absolutely spectacular. At the same time, it reminded me of how much I loved London and how much I didn't want to leave. Those who know me well know that I've always dreamed of living and working in London - even if it's only for a few years. Seeing the city at its most alluring made me wish I hadn't promised to go home at all. I will miss it dearly when I leave.

After the flight, there was the carousel. It was completely spontaneous but brilliant. I never laughed so hard. T was trying not to enjoy himself cause I bullied him into going on it and his excuse was that it was childish but he did it. He actually played ball and got on. I was very very impressed. Almost thought he'd protest. Then again, it was our last night together for a while so he could never say no to anything I truly wanted. :D And I really wanted to get on the carousel. I can't imagine how much I'll miss having him around. It literally kills me to know that I can't just demand to see him next weekend anymore. On the other hand, our goodbye, unlike the one with Dave, was happily short and sweet. It was like I'd see him again in a few days. Like we knew that regardless of when we'd meet again, everything would remain the same between us. The beauty of being the best of friends came out then. Our goodbyes are and will never be forever and thus shouldn't be painful or sad at all. That gave me a genuine smile for my journey home...

In loving memory...

So wrapped up in my own drama I hang my head in guilty shame - this entry is long overdue.
My apologies to the families of the deceased.
My condolences to those who have lost.

In loving memory of Jason and Vixen...

I Felt A Funeral In My Brain

I felt a funeral in my brain,
And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
That sense was breaking through.

And when they all were seated,
A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
My mind was going numb

And then I heard them lift a box,
And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead, again.
Then space began to toll

As all the heavens were a bell,
And being, but an ear,
And I and Silence some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here.

Emily DICKINSON

A little time to reconsider

I've often been told that I can get excessively dramatic - a viewpoint I almost concur with. Why almost? Generally because there has to be something to provoke me beforehand. Despite what some may choose to believe, I don't randomly stress myself without cause. If one's words and actions contradict each other, how can anyone blame me for being confused at the receiving end? I'm glad we spoke, albeit not thoroughly, but enough to clear the misunderstanding. Thinking about it now, we're just like everyone else trying their hardest to ensure that we don't get hurt in the process. No one wants to leave themself open and utterly defenseless, even to those you care about. Trust is earned and that takes time. I've been told more than once that I'm high-maintainence. Truth be told, I really couldn't agree more. It has been a while since someone managed to penetrate my defense mechanisms and I find myself extremely disconcerted. My cynical views of men automatically pounce forward at the slightest step out of tune. I can only hope that those around me will bear with me while I find my bearings. Yeah, that goes for you too Han.

One last thing I'd like to clarify: As mentioned many a time before, my blog isn't meant to be offensive to anyone in particular. It's a space for me to vent my thoughts and feelings when I feel like I need an outlet. I apologize if some do not understand that and assume that there's malice directed at them behind the words. Let me assure all that such outcomes are completely unintentional.

Adding salt to the wound

I got back from the Isle on Thursday to meet both T and Sam for dinner in Picadilly. I hadn't had Korean food in over a year so that definitely made my day. My world cracked a little today. It took me a year to build the walls around me so that I could remain 'inhuman' (as T calls it) to men and the emotional feelings they provoke. Somehow, one managed to slip under the radar and my wall immediately became useless. It was a while before I realized that the growing discomfort within me had everything to do with how frustrated I was at my own stupidity. I was so angry at myself for letting this person in, for allowing them to hurt me. T always insists that at the beginning of every relationship, there's a point in time where one can decide to pull away or to follow through and just let it happen. I'm starting to believe that he may just be right. Like every woman who claims she'll never be that stupid, I committed the classic mistake and allowed myself to be seduced by empty words. Fantasy and reality often seem closer than they truly are. It hurts when you fall hard from one to another because it is then that you realize they're on two completely different wavelengths. What makes it worse is when you knew it was coming.